When a child has cancer, every member of the family needs support. Parents often feel shocked and overwhelmed following their child’s cancer diagnosis. Honest and calm conversations build trust as you talk with your child and his or her siblings. Taking care of yourself during this difficult time is important; it’s not selfish. As you dig deep for strength, reach out to your child’s treatment team and to people in your family and community for support.
As you talk with your child, begin with the knowledge that you know your child best. Your child depends on you for helpful, accurate, and truthful information. Your child will learn a lot from your tone of voice and facial expressions, so stay calm when you talk with your child.
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The age-related suggestions below may be helpful as you work with the health care team, so your child knows what to expect during treatment, copes well with procedures, and feels supported.
If your child is less than 1 year old: Comfort your baby by holding and gently touching her. Skin to skin contact is ideal. Bring familiar items from home, such as toys or a blanket. Talk or sing to your child, since the sound of your voice is soothing. Try to keep up feeding and bedtime routines as much as possible.
If your child is 1 to 2 years old: Very young children understand things they can see and touch. Toddlers like to play, so find safe ways to let your child play. Toddlers also like to start making choices, so let your child choose a sticker or a flavor of medicine when possible. Prepare your child ahead of time if something will hurt. Not doing so may cause your child to become fearful and anxious.
If your child is 3 to 5 years old: To help your child understand his treatment better, ask the doctor if he can touch the models, machines, or supplies (tubes, bandages, or ports) ahead of time. If a procedure will hurt, prepare your child in advance. You can help to distract your child by reading a story or giving her a stuffed animal to hold.
If your child is 6 to 12 years old: School-aged children understand that medicines and treatment help them get better. They are able to cooperate with treatment but want to know what to expect. Children this age often have many questions, so be ready to answer them or to find the answers together. Relationships are important, so help your child to stay in touch with friends and family.
If your child is a teenager: Teens often focus on how cancer changes their lives—their friendships, their appearance, and their activities. They may be scared and angry about how cancer has isolated them from their friends. Look for ways to help your teen stay connected to friends. Give your teen some of the space and freedom he had before treatment and include him in treatment decisions.
Information to help you choose a hospital and learn more about your child’s treatment plan is included in the Diagnosis section of our childhood cancer guide for parents.
Talk with your child’s health care team to get your questions answered. You may also find the suggestions below helpful:
Who should tell my child?
Many parents receive their child’s diagnosis from the doctor at the same time that their child learns of it. However, if you choose to be the one to tell your child, the doctor or nurse can help you decide what to say and how to answer her questions.
When should my child be told?
Your child should be told as soon as possible. This will help build trust between you and your child. It does not mean that your child needs to hear everything all at once.
What should I tell my child?
The information you share with your child depends on his age and what he can understand. Children of all ages need clear, simple information that makes sense to them. As much as possible, help him know what to expect by using ideas and words that he understands. Tell your child how treatment will make him feel and when something will hurt. Explain that strong medicine and treatments have helped other children.
How much should I tell my child?
Help your child to understand the basic facts about the illness, the treatment, and what to expect. It may be hard for many children to process too many details or information given too far in advance. Start with small amounts of information that your child can understand. Children often use their imaginations to make up answers to unanswered questions and may fear the worst. Answering questions honestly and having ongoing conversations can help your child. Telling untruths can cause your child to distrust you or people on their health care team.
How might my child react?
Each child is different. Some worry. Others get upset or become quiet, afraid, or defiant. Some express their feelings in words, others in actions. Some children regress to behaviors they had when they were younger. These are normal reactions to changes in life as they know it. Their schedule, the way they look and feel, and their friendships may all be changing. Expect that some days will be rough, and others will be easier. Tell your child, and find ways to show her, that you will always be there for her.
What can I do to help my child cope?
Children take cues from their parents, so being calm and hopeful can help your child. Show your love. Think about how your child and family have handled difficult times in the past. Some children feel better after talking. Others prefer to draw, write, play games, or listen to music.
Talk with your child’s health care team about how to answer questions your child may have. You may also find these suggestions helpful:
What is cancer?
When talking about cancer with your child, start with simple words and concepts. Explain that cancer is not contagious—it’s not an illness that children catch from someone or that they can give to someone else. Young children may understand that they have a lump (tumor) that is making them sick or that their blood is not working the way it should. Parents and older children may want to read about different types of childhood cancer in the Diagnosis section of our childhood cancer guide for parents.
Why did I get cancer?
Some children think they did something bad or wrong to cause the cancer. Others wonder why they got sick. Tell your child that nothing he—or anyone else—did caused the cancer, and that doctors are working to learn more about what causes cancer in children.
Will I get better?
Being in the hospital or having many medical appointments can be scary for a child. Some children may know or have heard about a person who has died from cancer. Your child may wonder if she will get better.
How will I feel during treatment?
Your child may wonder how he may feel during treatment. Children with cancer often see others who have lost their hair or are very sick. Talk with the nurse or social worker to learn how your child’s treatment may affect how your child looks and feels, and about side effects that he may have.
Cancer treatment brings many changes to a child’s life and outlook. You can help your child by letting her live as normal a life as possible. Talk with the health care team to learn what to expect, as your child goes through treatment, so your child and family can prepare.
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Children can be sensitive about how they look and how others respond to them. Here are ways to help your child:
Your child's friendships are tested and may change during a serious illness, like cancer. Sometimes it may seem as though old friends are no longer “there for them.” It may help if your child takes the first step and reaches out to friends. Children may also make new friends through this experience. Here are some steps you can take with your child:
Although over time many children with cancer cope well, your child may feel anxious, sad, stressed, scared, or become withdrawn at times. Talk with your child about what she is feeling and help her find ways to cope. Your child can also meet with a child-life specialist or psychologist about feelings that don’t have easy solutions or seem to be getting worse over time. These tips may help your child cope with difficult emotions:
Your child may spend more time in the hospital and at home, during treatment. Here are ways to help your child cope with periods of isolation and time away from friends.
Hospital stays: Being in the hospital can especially difficult for children. It’s a different setting, with new people and routines, large machines, and sometimes painful procedures.
Isolation at home: While your child is receiving treatment, she may need to stay at home for extended periods of time, due to the side effects of cancer treatment such as fatigue, risk of infection, pain, and gastrointestinal complications, for example.
Missing school: While some children with cancer are able to attend school, many need to take a leave of absence for short or long periods of time. Here are ways to get the academic support your child needs during this time:
Learn more about ways to help your child cope in the Support section of our childhood cancer guide for parents.
These suggestions can help you care for yourself, your children, and your family. Parents often say that their child’s diagnosis feels like a family diagnosis. Here is practical advice to help families cope and stay connected during this challenging time.
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Relationships and partnerships are strained and under pressure when a child has cancer. However, marriages can also grow stronger during this time. Here’s what parents said helped:
Research shows what you most likely already know—that help from others strengthens and encourages your child and family. Family and friends may want to assist but might not know what you need. It may help to:
It can be tempting to put your own needs on hold and focus solely on your sick child. However, it’s essential that you make time for yourself. Doing so can also give you energy to care for your child. Here are some tips to help get you started:
Learn more about ways to cope and stay strong in the Support section of our childhood cancer guide for parents and in Support for Caregivers of Cancer Patients.
As a parent, you want to be there for all your children, yet this can be challenging when a child is being treated for cancer. You may notice that siblings are having a difficult time yet struggle to address their needs. Insights and suggestions on strategies to help siblings are shared in the video above.
Here are some more ways you can help siblings during this difficult time:
This booklet When Your Brother or Sister Has Cancer has quotes from siblings about their experiences, checklists to help siblings get support, and a section of related organizations and resources. It can be printed or viewed as a booklet, an ePub, or a Kindle book. A hard copy of the booklet can also be ordered, for no charge.
These suggestions can help you and your child to establish strong and effective relationships with your child’s health care team.
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You may also want to watch this video: Treatment Considerations for Children with Cancer in which parents and pediatric oncology experts discuss childhood cancer treatment-related decisions, side effects, clinical trials, and strategies to care for children.